Herb prevents sudden death–or your money back!

I gotta admit, this is one of my favorites. I was browsing around the alternative health corners of the web when I came across a lovely site peddling “alternative” remedies. My gaze was immediately drawn to a link for “shock and emergency: rescue remedies”.

For a physician, shock means something in particular–something very bad. Shock is a medical state wherein multiple organs stop working for a variety of possible reasons, such as severe infection or physical trauma. Patients with shock die quickly without immediate medical attention. So I followed the link to the product page:

First-Aid Remedy: Eases emergencies of all kinds. Anytime (sic) feelings of extreme distress, trauma or shock occur. “Remain calm and balanced during any emergency or accident”

An emergency can be one of the most stressful events we can experience, for both the victim as well as those around him or her. In fact, the stress alone from a seemingly minor mishap can bloom into a full-blown traumatic shock, which can be truly threatening, requiring quick action.

Ok, so you’re about to go into shock. What to do?? Whom should I call? Wait, how do I know I’m going into shock anyway?

You may even have experienced it yourself. Your face becomes pale and clammy, as you may remember. You are unable to react and your body doesn’t want to do anything while your blood pressure begins to drop so fast, that there may be a real danger of experiencing Cardiac Arrest.

Sounds serious! Should I call 911? See a doctor?

First-Aid Remedy™ is excellent for emergencies of all kinds, including accidents, shock, injury, insect and animal bites, or anything that causes extreme distress or terror. This remedy centers the mind, reduces stress, and combats shock in a very short time. Only a few drops of First-Aid Remedy™ provides almost instant relief and promotes fast healing of injury and pain.

It is especially helpful for those who experience a great distress or tremendous shock, such as personal involvement in an accident, a major climatic event, or a great loss. First-Aid Remedy™ helps stimulate the vital energies of the body so the depleted reserves can be rebuilt and made available to the whole body.

This product is also helpful for animals that have experienced mild trauma.

Hmm…so maybe they are only treating how you feel about shock or trauma. I guess I’m confused. It does seem to imply it can prevent death from cardiac arrest, but it talks a lot about other things too. I need more data. Let’s look at the ingredient list:

Ingredients: Cherry plum, clematis, impatiens, rock rose, star of Bethlehem flowers, and Homeopathic arnica in 8% alcoholic brandy solution (emphasis mine).

Ok, now I get it. This will calm you, although it won’t fix shock or trauma. And if you’ve just had an accident, perhaps you don’t want to take this until the police arrive.

So how much for this shot of brandy? Twelve bucks, you say? Oh my! I hope it’s really good brandy. But don’t worry. If you die, they’ve got you covered:

First-Aid Remedy™ is backed by our 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you don’t see a marked improvement after using this product, return the empty bottle within 30 days from the postmark date for a full refund.

Snarkiness aside, recommending a stiff drink for people who may have a serious injury or illness seems, well, dangerous. Call me old fashioned, but I think the brandy should stay in the liquor cabinet until you’re better.