Denialism

My New Product: All Natural Pb®

—

by

Chris
in

Sciblings, I know you all are going to run out and buy my new nutritional supplement, Pb®. Pb® is all natural. Pb® is pure. Pb® is elemental. Pb® is balanced. Pb® affects one’s optimal health. Pb® is readily absorbed by the blood stream and accumulates in the body, competing with unnatural toxins that cause illness. Pb® is highly bio-available. And Hoofnagle-brand Pb® is positively charged at our all-natural bioplant facilities, meaning that it repels negative ions.

Pb® can be used by children as well as adults. There are no side effects of supplement products as they are made with all natural and pure substances.

Pb® is based on an ancient remedy, widely used by doctors and by holistic healers all over the world for thousands of years. But doctors were threatened by the efficacy of Pb®, and so they convinced federal government regulators to ban it. Through an exclusive deal where we reclaim the raw ingredient of Pb® from plastic toys manufactured in China, where Pb® is in wide use. We now can bring you a potent, legal version of Pb® for only $29.99 plus $5.95 shipping and handling. We guarantee Pb® with a 125% money-back guarantee, and if you buy now, we’ll include a bottle of all-natural As33®!

Always try to eat a balanced diet along with Pb®, avoid harmful substances and exercise on a regular basis to promote your muscle and bone health. Discover the wisdom of Pb®! You can pay by paypal and get same day shipping!

Pb® contains no dairy, whey, soy, nuts, wheat, gluten, artificial colors or flavors.

These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.

Comments

  1. bob koepp

    Hey, where else can I get a guaranteed 25% return on investment? Please send me detailed ordering instructions so I can start making some $$.

    Reply
  2. Ren

    It will be interesting to see from this how many folks don’t remember their periodic table of elements.

    Reply
  3. Ahcuah

    OK, now you’re really plumbing the depths of woo.

    Reply
  4. gort

    Hoofnagle-brand Pb� is positively charged at our all-natural bioplant facilities, meaning that it repels negative ions.

    Wouldn’t positively charged Pb attract negative ions?

    Reply
  5. Niobe

    Is this what we are lead to believe?

    Reply
  6. Spook

    Niobe wins the thread.

    Reply
  7. Stephanie Z

    Sweet! Literally.

    Reply
  8. Danimal

    If my chemistry education serves Pb = lead. Don’t we get that with our paint? Or was that our Chinese imports? Either way, can you explain medically why we need a supplement?

    Reply
  9. Alex Whiteside

    It’s a joke, Danimal. He’s satirising alternative medicine’s obsession with the “natural”, vague claims, and conspicuous disregard for safety.

    Yeah, you got your ions thing the wrong way around. It might also be worth mentioning that Pb(R) was used by ancient Japanese and European cultures as a cosmetic, and was used to make a natural preservative and sweetener by the Romans.

    Reply
  10. xander

    I tried Pb® for a while, but it didn’t live up to the hype. Sure, I felt better, but my mind was fuzzy and my thoughts weren’t as clear as they could be. Then I switched to Galena™. Galena™ really is a wonderful product. It is all natural, and has many of the same health benefits of Pb®, but is stronger, more effective, and doesn’t have any of the nasty side effects. I suggest you try it out!

    Reply
  11. The Chemist

    Don’t listen to Xander, as we know, Pb� has many imitators. I’ve discovered that it protects against radiation!

    I take it with my colloidal Ag, I like looking like a smurf!

    Reply
  12. Philip Hunt

    Chris, your Pb is crap. My DHMO (Dihydrogen Monoxide) is much better! After all, top athletes take it to help them perform! Fact: 90% of Olympic Gold medal winners take DHMO as a food supplement! And not only is it good for your health, it’s also a powerful cleansing agent — you can use it to clean your kitchen or bathroom!

    Reply
  13. Danimal

    Alex Whiteside, I completely got that it was a joke. You just did not get that I was joking too.

    Reply
  14. Johnny Vector

    DHMO! No! It’s a very powerful polar solvent, used in the manufacture of dynamite, pesticides, guns, and those little plastic thingies with dates stamped on them that they use to make bread go stale in a week when it would have lasted for months if they hadn’t messed up its natural state.

    In 2005 there were 3,582 deaths due to overexposure to DHMO. Four times as many required emergency care, and many of them will be brain damaged for life.

    Furthermore, DHMO promotes cancer. You should try my new Cancer-Killer(tm) Diet, totally free of DHMO. If you stick to it religiously, your cancer will be stopped in its tracks within a week. (Treatment takes longer if you’re a camel.)

    So, just say NO to DHMO! (Make your own choice about NO…)

    Reply
  15. Bob Carroll

    Hey, wait a minute! DHMO cleanses the kidneys and removes toxins! It’s thermodynamically stable! And it’s shunned by Big Pharma b/c it can’t be patented!!!

    Reply
  16. mandrake

    Hg!!! Bring back salivating wards!
    “Mercury was the universal remedy for classic signs of syphilis, probably on account of its earlier use in treating the similar symptoms of leprosy, and it would remain the standard treatment into the early twentieth century. As with most Georgian remedies, it had little, if any, effect, although it sometimes gave the appearance of success. The tendency of early symptoms of syphilis… to disappear without treatment after one or two years tended to grant mercury a seal of approval…Unfortunately, the painful, unpleasant, and noxious side effects of mercury treatment were often as nasty as the condition itself. Mercury poisoning caused mouth ulcers, sore gums, loose teeth, and copious production of black saliva, sometimes several pints a day, as well as leaving a telltale metallic taint on the breath. It was hardly surprising that many victims took themselves to the “salivating” wards of the voluntary hospitals, where they could at least suffer their treatment in relative privacy, safe from the prying eyes and inquisitive noses of friends and neighbors.”

    -from The Knife Man : Blood, Body Snatching, and the Birth of Modern Surgery by Wendy Moore, a biography of John Hunter.

    Reply
  17. Chris H.

    >Wouldn’t positively charged Pb attract negative ions?

    Drat! Sorry about that.

    Reply
  18. xander

    I laughed some more. I love you all! <3

    Reply
  19. biopunk

    I would love some of this, but the shipping costs are so prohibitive!

    Reply
  20. Militant Agnostic

    At least once year, Health Canada siezes a batch of Ayurvedic “medicine” because it contains dangerous amounts of lead. The lead is not a contaminant – it, along with other heavy metals are a component of Ayurvedic “medicine”.

    There is nothing so toxic that it won’t be used in some kind of alternative medicine. Poe’s law applied to alties as much as it applies to creationists.

    Reply
  21. LanceR

    See, this is why we can’t trust scientificizers. DHMO is good. DHMO is bad. DHMO cleanses kidneys. DHMO promotes cancer. You scientificists are all alike, denying the !TRUTHINESS! that only JEEEEEEEZUS can heal you! (It’s not as powerful with fewer than 7 ‘E’s.) With the all-natural power of JEEEEEEEZUS pills, anything can be cured!!!!one!1!!

    Reply
  22. mark

    I would love to try your Pb cure, but I have a very difficult time taking pills. Can I get a shot instead?

    Reply
  23. J. J. Ramsey

    gort: “Wouldn’t positively charged Pb attract negative ions?”

    Chris H. “Drat! Sorry about that.”

    Don’t apologize. IMHO, having a scientific howler enhances the parody.

    Besides, if the Pb is charged with positive chi energy, that would displace negative chi energy. Isn’t that how it works? 🙂

    Reply
  24. Joe

    Xander is right to recommend galena over pure Pb.

    Everyone knows that natural products contain components that act synergistically with the “active ingredient.” Natural products evolve to be better and safer than the the so-called “active ingredients” contained therein.

    Think about it- would you prefer processed Pb, or a loving-crafted natural product, harvested from one’s own neighborhood. Also, it is ethnocentric to deny third-world people the use of their local, natural products.

    BTW, although I am exceedingly clever, I cannot take credit for that; it mostly came from arguments concerning herbs over at http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/

    Reply
  25. jim

    Pb, that’s heavy man.

    Reply
  26. tresmal

    Mark said:”I would love to try your Pb cure, but I have a very difficult time taking pills. Can I get a shot instead?”

    Dick Cheney offers it in aerosol form, would that work?

    Reply
  27. speedwell

    My ex grew up in Galena Park, Texas, where the ground was so naturally rich in the substance that they had to name the place after it. Plus, just look how he turned out.

    Reply
  28. Sigmund

    News just in. The NRA is advocating the sale of rapid, yet handy Pb applicators.

    Reply
  29. Kemist

    Pfff… Pb is sooo 2007.

    You all need to try my new Hg. Hg is naturally found in fish, along with omega-3 (It’s good Hg, not baaad Hg like in vaccines. Vaccines contain evil, negatively charged Hg). It was also found in old-style hats, but it was banned by the FDA because it made people crazy, I mean it was too efficient at curing every disease known to mankind. If you people aren’t eating enough fish, you aren’t eating enough Hg to maintain good health, and you will get cancer, AIDS, the plague and syphillis all at the same time.

    Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

    Reply
  30. Roy Latham

    You undersell the virtues of Pb. It is fat-free, cholesterol free, has no calories, is dolphin safe, and contains no whale by-products. Government studies indicate that its consumption produces permanent weight loss. It can be eaten without cooking. The full benefits can be achieved with very small quantities, provided it is taken consistently over a long period of time. It is made in America and widely available in local hardware and sport fishing stores.

    Reply
  31. Abel Pharmboy

    While we’re on puns, I’ll also do some shameless self-promotion on a related, not-so-funny post about lead filings being used by German dealers to increase the weight of their wares (as published in the NEJM):

    http://scienceblogs.com/terrasig/2008/04/you_got_lead_in_my_marijuana.php

    Some people think this is heavy shit but I think it’s just plumb crazy.

    Reply
  32. PalMD

    i remember reading that post…it was very, very interesting…

    Reply
  33. Winawer

    (Treatment takes longer if you’re a camel.)

    *snorts milk out of his nose*.

    Seriously, I just had to clean up my keyboard.

    Reply
  34. Burned

    I appreciate this is a joke, and one almost ANY other matter I would appreciate the humor. But having had lead poisoning as a child, this just makes me dead bitter. Lead is absolutely not funny. No exceptions.
    Suicide? Heheh – if you fail, then you really need help!
    Alzheimers? Oh, stop.
    Hurricane damage? LOL.

    But for me, lead isn’t funny in any way shape or form.
    I’m not asking for anyone to refrain from joking about it, but please, don’t forget the truth underneath.

    Reply
  35. clamboy

    My first post at this blog (I think), and I can’t believe I’m the first to go this route:

    Dude, it’s my birthday, I’m totally drinking a pitcher of PBR!

    (It is my birthday, actually, though I think I’ll stick with drinking Corpse Revivers.)

    Reply

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