You Know You’re in Trouble When Alan Keyes is Your Hero

I’m sad I missed the “Values Voters Presidential Debate”, but I’m not alone. All the first-tier presidential candidates skipped it as well. The big winner was apparently Mike Huckabee according to the World Nut Daily, he apparently was the most hateful of them all. But the nuts are clearly upset at being snubbed by the candidates that actually have a chance of being nominated:

Debate panelist Rabbi Aryeh Spero of the Jewish Action Alliance asked, “How can we expect these no-show candidates to take on Osama bin Laden and other world leaders when they’re afraid to show up and answer questions from Phyllis Schlafly?”

I don’t know. Given the choice I’d avoid Phyllis Schlafly and her “values”. She’s a harridan. My favorite quote from her is “It’s very healthy for a young girl to be deterred from promiscuity by fear of contracting a painful, incurable disease, or cervical cancer, or sterility, or the likelihood of giving birth to a dead, blind, or brain-damaged baby even ten years later when she may be happily married.”

I also love how avoiding hateful bigots means that you kowtow to terrorism. Charming group, really.

Anyway, onto Alan Keyes. He made a big score in the hate fest according to the American Family News Network for his vociferous attacks on the homosexual agenda.

Three-time Republican presidential candidate Alan Keyes is taking aim at fellow GOP candidates who are reluctant to support a federal marriage amendment. During last night’s Values Voters Presidential Debate in Fort Lauderdale, Ambassador Keyes at times sounded like a fiery gospel preacher. When asked what he would do to counter the homosexual agenda if president, Keyes voiced support for a constitutional amendment banning same-sex “marriage,” and said he would defend the “natural family.”

“We have to restore the understanding of what marriage is,” he said. “I heard tonight a shocking statement that somehow the state can withdraw its respect for and support for the natural family as ordained by God.

Apparently the family ordained by god is actually the modern family, not the types of families you usually read about in the good book with polygamy, selling daughters etc. The types of families that are described in the Bible, these days lead to criminal charges, just ask the FLDS.


  1. justawriter

    Careful Mark, these are the folks whose moderate religious beliefs we must be careful not to offend.

  2. As a surrealist, and a student of comedy, I absolutely applaud Alan Keyes’ entry into this race. I just wasn’t hearing enough bat-sh*t crazy talk from Romney and McCain. As a lover of all things surreal, I hope he gets the nomination. As a human being and a citizen of the United States, I hope he doesn’t come within a thousand miles of being elected!

  3. The Values Voters are getting desperate. Bush, once their greatest hope, turned out to be a disapointment. Worse, some of their more awkward policies are scareing people back away and into moderate territory.

    I dont think they will put too much effort into Keyes. Even the most fanatical realises they are at a serious disadvantage next presidential election, and they cant risk the loss of moderate support. They will instead turn to increased paritsan campaigning – very heavily promoting the Republican party, regardless of the individuals within it. Simutainously, they will try to step up the propaganda in all other areas.

    I predict an increased focus on schooling, and even more anti-intellectualism, as preperations are made for a more prolonged battle of cultures. The euphoria of getting Bush and four years of full republican support is wearing off, and with that comes the realisation that this isn’t going to be an overnight revolution when conservatism takes over and kicks the liberals out. Its time for the long-term stratagy now – building up the forces for a future effort.

    But in more concrete election terms… the VV lobbying groups arn’t going to pay too much attention to the primaries. But regardless of who makes it to the presidential running, they will campaign heavily for the republican candidate. They would support Satan himself, horns and all, if he were the republican candidate. Its purely a party matter now – they must support republicans over democrats every time, regardless of the individuals involved.

  4. …the types of families you usually read about in the good book with polygamy, selling daughters etc.

    I am interested about stories from the Bible about families which would serve as role models.

  5. The only example I can think of as a good family story in the bible is Ruth. Otherwise it’s all fratricide, infidelity, polygamy, and treating women as chattel.

  6. Alan Dershowitz’ book “Genesis of Justice” was a really good read in my opinion, because it frames the early old testament stories really well. The basic idea, for those of you who don’t want to bother with the book (either one), is that the nasty stories in the bible are SUPPOSED to be nasty. They’re preambles for the ten commandments, so when each commandment is received, it is paired with its corresponding story of how the world would have been otherwise.

    Not that I buy it entirely, but if you consider the bible to just be an early form of governing, it does work as a pretty effective pedagogical device. “Johnny stole a bike, and later he became a heroin addict.” -> “Don’t Steal. remember Johnny?”

    Anyway, yeah, old testament families were ten pounds of crazy.

  7. A cartoon from the last presidential election:

  8. Interesting view, but… which story is it that pairs with sabbath-breaking? Or with taking God’s name in vain?

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