Speaking of making stuff up

Next for “making up disease” files, Ed Brayton brings us news of the latest crank idea from the masturbation-obsessed nuts over at World Nut Daily. It’s the new plague of masturbation-induced impotence.

Pornographically Induced Impotence is now a national pandemic, raking in untold billions for pornographers and their satellite businesses as well as from the marital discord and despair it produces.

Men are “visually wired,” Feldhahn explained. Their images of women stretch “back to his teenage years, and any one of the pictures is going to pop up at any time in his brain without warning.”

In 1981, Hefner biographer Gay Talese wrote that “Hef’s” influence reached out to “the central nervous system of Playboy readers nationwide.”

And, that “central nervous system” included “images” popping up and stretching “back to teenage years.” By 2005, some estimated impotence at roughly 50 percent of men.

What percentage suffer from pornographically induced impotence is unknown. For pornography emasculates indiscriminately. It castrates men of every race, religion and “orientation,” atheist and orthodox, rich and poor, conservative and radical, young and old, svelte and paunchy, handsome and unappealing, scientist and sky cap, the clever and the obtuse, en masse.

Pornographically Induced Impotence once kept men and boys breathlessly awaiting each month’s “new” fantasy images. The Internet means they wait no more.

Good news for the sex business, sexologists and Big Pharma!

Men conditioned since boyhood to use erototoxins blame their wives, girlfriends, women for their own waning libido.

Pornographically Induce Impotence? Erototoxins? This is my new favorite woo. The idea that exposure to nudity, or masturbation, somehow decreases male libido. Well, maybe temporarily, but still, this is hysterical. To top it off this loony also suggests, and this really is great, that not only are naked women bad for men’s libido but that the cartoons in Playboy may be even worse!

But even psychologist Bernie Zilbergeld warned that Playboy encouraged impotence in their consumers:

“Humor is the basic source of education. … Cartoons that poke fun at impotence or other male inadequacies … would outweigh any supportive things said in the advice column. Cartoons are simply more compelling. Some things are.”

Well doc, ever since I saw that cartoon making fun of men who take Viagra, I just haven’t been able to satisfy the missus. It’s something else, those cartoons. I once saw a Far Side cartoon mocking the near-sighted and I went blind for a week.

I look forward to more breathless reports about this emerging epidemic of pornography-induced impotence. It’s sure to hit the mainstream literature on sexuality right after the proof that masturbation also causes hairy-palms and blindness.